


A shadow in my mind

by mydearoldbuckybarnes



Category: Captain America, Marvel, the winter soldier - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Marvel Universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 06:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mydearoldbuckybarnes/pseuds/mydearoldbuckybarnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Steve, Sam and Natasha bring the Winter Soldier back to the Avengers tower after spending months looking for him, confusion sets in as he already knows who you are.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Bucky Barnes fanfiction but I'm excited to be writing it. This chapter is short (I'm sorry) however it is really just an introduction. I hope you enjoy :)
> 
>  

I sat on the window ledge my knees tucked under my chin, looking out as the sun began to rise over the city, coating the buildings and streets with orange and yellow streaks, and I admired the view from the Avengers tower for the first time in a while. Tonight had been a bad night, the nightmares far more treacherous than usual. Droplets of cold sweat fell from my forehead, my eyes felt heavy and my hands twitched nervously. I looked over at the clock and saw that it was 6:46am. Silence swept the house, Tony and Bruce were asleep down the hall whilst Steve, Sam and Natasha were away on a mission. I stood up and walked out of my room into the bathroom, turning the shower on. As I undressed, I looked in the mirror, glancing reluctantly over the scars tracing my arms, my torso and my face and running my fingertips along them, associating myself with them as I did each day like they were old friends. Each of them told a story of the days I spent as a prisoner in a HYDRA camp two years ago, stories that haunted me through everyday and worse during the nights where there were no distractions to stop the memories engulfing me and becoming ever so much more real.

Steve and Natasha had uncovered the truth behind HYDRA who were responsible for my kidnapping and unfortunately for Steve I wasn't the only best friend of his that HYDRA had got to. When he was younger (by that I mean in the 40s) he had a best friend called Bucky Barnes. HYDRA used him ...experimented on him, brainwashed to the point that he didn't know who he was except that he was soldier (the Winter Soldier) and he had to kill enemies of HYDRA. His last mission: _to kill Steve_ _Rogers_. Steve, Sam and Natasha took down HYDRA and the Winter Soldier went into hiding, now the Captain was anxious to find him again, although Bucky had no idea who he or Steve was and he was still a dangerous man.

Once I had showered, I got dressed then returned to my position on the window ledge, letting my damp hair fall down my chest making my shirt wet. Suddenly, I heard footsteps out in the living room then someone call out "Tony...Bruce...[Y/N]!". It was Natasha. I ran out into the living room and saw her standing there next to Sam and she smiled but I could still see the hardness settled in her eyes.

"Did you find him" I asked, my heart racing slightly. I knew what this meant for Steve and I knew how broken he would be if he failed to find his friend. She nodded as Tony and Bruce stumbled sleepily into the room behind me. Then the door opened, we all held our breath as though waiting for him to leap out and attack us, and Steve walked in, followed by the Winter Soldier (Bucky. My heart twitched painfully at the sound of his name and I couldn't understand why) who kept his glance directed at the floor almost in defeat. Racing towards Steve, I jumped up into his arms and he pulled me in for a hug. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder gently. I had missed my star spangled soldier.

"[Y/N]?!?" a husky voice said in almost a whimper. My eyes flew open. Steve let go of me and we all turned to the owner of the voice. Bucky (my heart twitched again) was staring at me, his dark eyes seeming to grow darker covered by his dirty brown hair, his mouth opened slightly like he was in shock. I turned to the others and they all had concerned expressions on their faces. Why was he acting like he recognised me? I'd never met him before in my life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're captured by a sinister organisation, who introduces you to a man known as 'The Winter Soldier'. But it's not long before you discover his true identity...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this is a short chapter but I hope you enjoy :)

-2 years ago-

 

It was a late Sunday night when I got back to the Avengers tower. Everyone was asleep so only silence filled the house, except the sound of my footsteps gently padding along the living room floor then down the hallway to my room. Sitting down on my bed, I let my bag fall from my shoulder as I pulled my jacket off. My eyes were heavy with fatigue and I felt ready to fall asleep without changing, and my head fell gently onto my pillow.

The sound of a helicopter flying close to the tower rung in my ears, then suddenly lights flooded my room, the glass in the windows shattered and I felt myself being grabbed from behind. I screamed and tried to fight the hold on me, but a hand found its way to my head and bashed it against the wooden frame of my bed again and again till I lost consciousness.

When I woke, I smelt the tangy, metallic smell of blood and I realised my nose was bleeding. I was barely conscious although I could feel the vibrations below me and I knew I was being taken somewhere. I tried to move but I felt a sharp pain in my wrists telling me that I was tied up. In my daze I looked up into the almost black abyss and saw a pair of eyes staring down at me with a fierceness clouding them that made me terrified. Slipping back into unconsciousness all I saw in my mind was those eyes.

My eyes fluttered open and I was hit with a burning bright light. After my eyes adjusted to the light I looked forward and saw a man (middle-aged I guessed) in a dark brown suit, his tie so tight I could see a red ring forming along his neck. His hair was slicked back and his thin lips were covered with a moustache. "Ah [Y/N], so nice to finally meet you at last, I am Stefan Lenin and this is Dr Strust" he gestured to the elderly man, who wore a stained white lab coat and square glasses, sitting next to me pulling glass shards out of my hand. I winced in pain, forcing myself to look away and instead my eyes found a tall figure stood back against the wall. The first thing I noticed was the metal left arm that was there in the place of a flesh one. My eyes trailed slowly up the surface till I reached his face and I saw those piercing blue eyes again. This time it was accompanied by a mop of dirty brown hair that hung to his broad, muscular shoulders, the bottom half of his face was covered in a mask which made him look mysterious but still terrifying.

Lenin must have noticed where my eyes were drawn to as he stood up, strutted over to this figure and said "I see you're admiring our lovely masterpiece".  
"Who is he" I asked.  
"His name is the Winter Soldier, designed by my great-grandfather, Dr Arnim Zola, as our secret weapon"  
"Why" my voice came out as more of a whimper as another piece of glass was pulled out of my hand.  
Lenin chuckled almost mockingly. "During the time of the war scientists were frantically trying to invent weapons to win the war. Only one man was successful, Dr Abraham Erskine. Of course you know all about that experiment. How is the Captain by the way?" he laughed again then continued. "My great-grandfather, one of the greatest minds of the 40's, also invented something...a machine of brainwashing abilities to make his own super soldiers. I daresay, we haven't had many subjects to experiment on...this man is our first and only successful experiment."  
"Shame your grandfather couldn't make soldiers without brainwashing them, the greatest mind of the 40's and he couldn't even stop Captain America" I spat. Lenin walked over to me fiercely, his hand sharply hitting the side of my face.  
"Captain America dances around in his silly little costume, waving his shield around pretending to be a hero. Zola created a weapon that will change the world"

My face burned where his hand had come in contact with my skin. "You can't change the world with one soldier" I laughed.  
A bloodcurdling smile crept onto his lips, dissolving my own smile. Leaning down so his face was almost touching mine he said "My dear...the best things always come in two's...you'll find out soon enough although I doubt you'll remember."  
I began thrashing about in my chair as he added "Take her to her cell". The Winter Soldier untied me from the chair his arm wrapped tight around so I couldn't move, then he dragged me away.

The first night I spent sitting in the corner of my cell looking around me. The walls were made of dirty brown tiles which were hidden behind thick algae that was growing through the cracks. There was a sense of dampness like it was constantly raining but then one closer inspection I saw the floor was washed with blood and my stomach lurched sickeningly, my skin began to crawl and I gripped myself into a tighter ball to try and let the smallest amount of my body touch the floor. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the soldier sitting in the shadows outside, watching me, his hair hung low over his eyes almost covering his face completely. Wriggling nervously, trying to turn my body away, I heard a crackling sound coming from my back pocket and reaching cautiously my hand down, I pulled out a photograph. In the dim light I could barely see it but I could make out two figures with their arms around each other's shoulders. One had short dark hair, the taller one of the two had lighter hair almost blonde and squinting I realised it was a picture of Steve and his friend Bucky Barnes.

For a moment I was confused as to why it was there, then I remembered that I had taken it from Steve when he showed me it a few weeks ago, whilst telling me about the two of them when they were younger. I had kept it because I had planned on framing it for him as a present because he was going through a rough time now. Usually he was fine, but every few months there'd be times when he'd lock himself away from us, "to think about things" he said. Those things being Peggy, Bucky and how his life would have turned out if he hadn't become Captain America. We used to try and comfort him but it never really worked...now I just sit with him and he tells me about his past though sometimes I'm never sure if he actually knows I'm there. A feeling of guiltiness and sadness washed over me then because Steve didn't know I had taken this picture and it was the last one he had left...and now...he might never get it back. Rolling onto my side, I held the picture up with my hand and laid there for a while just staring at the picture until, slowly and unwillingly, I fell asleep.

The first few seconds when I woke I didn't remember what had happened, then as I slowly opened my eyes and looked around me at the grotty walls and rusty steel bars my heart dropped. I groaned as I sat up quickly, the hard floor causing cramp in my neck and my legs. Running a hand through my hair I could feel it covered in dirt and other things that lay on the ground. "What is that?" a deep husky voice said, making me jump. I looked up and saw the soldier's silhouette still in the shadows where he was last night, he was pointing down to the photograph that lay on the floor next to me, covered slightly with dirt. I picked it up and held it tightly in my hand, defensively. "It's just a..." my voice trailed off. He had stepped forward into the light of the sun beaming through a hole in the roof, his mask was off and I could now see his face, the eyes were now joined by a nose and a mouth, soft lips, a strong jawline that I had never met before but had seen endless times that I could recognise it anywhere....My heart began to knot, my body became numb. I looked down at the photograph in front of me, now more visible from the daylight. I saw the same pair of eyes, the same nose, the same mouth, the strong jawline. I stood up and walked slowly over to the bars, the closer I got the more clearer his face became.  
I opened my mouth to speak but the word never came until it finally trembled out. "Bucky."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You try to come to terms with finding Bucky and also discover the consequences of remembering hidden memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey this took me ages to write and I'm excited about posting it so I hope you enjoy it :)

**Bucky's POV**

"What?" I said, slightly startled.

"Bucky" she said again this time it was less like a question and more like she was addressing me. "You're meant to be dead"

"Who is Bucky?" I growled. Her brows furrowed together.

"You are". She lifted her hand as if to touch my face. Anger and confusion built up inside me. My hand shot through the bars, my fingers clasped round her neck and she began shaking and throbbing, her eyes fell back into her head and she let out short whining sounds. Fingernails scratched my metal hand but it didn't faze me.

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT" I shouted, tightening my grip. I stared as she began to fall limp in my grasp. I realised what I was doing and I immediately let go, watching as she fell to the ground, coughing and spluttering. Stumbling backwards, I fell against the wall, guilt building up inside. She dragged herself along the floor with one hand, the other holding her neck which I could see was red and throbbing.

I tell her that I'll be right back though I doubt she could hear me, let alone cared. I came back with an ice cold towel in my hand. When I opened the cell door, I expected her to look up maybe suddenly pounce on me and escape but she stayed sitting there staring at the wall. Shutting the door behind me I crouched down in front of her and wrapped the towel around her neck which was already bruising. "This is all I could find....I'm sorry" I mumbled. For a moment I stayed there in front of her, seeing her properly for the first time. Long [Y/H/C] hair fell down her back and on to her chest, covering her face slightly. There was still blood under nose where it had been bleeding so I used the corner of the towel to wipe it away. Her [Y/E/C] eyes looked dull and lifeless, if I hadn't seen her chest getting bigger then smaller with each breath I would have thought she was dead. The angry feeling built inside me again but this time I was angry at myself. "What have they done to you" she murmured, her voice shaky and fragile. My head fell slightly in shame and I forced myself to get up and walk out of the cell. As I stepped through the gate I saw the picture lying in the ground where [Y/N] had dropped it. Cautiously and reluctantly, I bent down and picked it up, continued through the gate, closed it behind me and walked off with it tucked in my pocket.

That day I couldn't keep still (my fingers twitched whilst my legs trembled) wanting desperately to look at the picture, but every time my fingers began to linger over the pocket, an anger rose up inside me. By night time when I was alone in the dark I finally gave in and I shamefully felt into my pocket and pulled out the aged photo. This must have been taken a while ago, it was black and white and ripping at the edges. Brushing away specks of dirt with my thumb I gazed down and saw two men dressed in army uniform...no...the one on the right was wearing something different, he had a star on his chest. He was tall. " I thought you were smaller " I heard my voice call out to me, hitting like a bullet.

Suddenly, my head began whirring and from a distance I saw him (the man in the photo) shouting down in my direction. Then it hit me...he was shouting at me. At first his words sounded slurred in my head but as they became clearer I finally heard it. "Bucky!!! Bucky!!!" each time louder and louder, and all of sudden I was falling downwards his face becoming blurry, his words hidden behind the sound of screaming and the sound of rushing wind, till I hit the ground...back in reality face down on the floor. Sitting up, I brushed my hand across my face, wiping away the dust. Blood appeared on my hand and gently retraced my steps till I found the cause of the bleeding, grazing along my jaw. I winced as my finger gently pressed down on it. "What the hell just happened?" I thought to myself, rising onto my feet clumsily. Some sort of melancholy feeling swept over me and I didn't understand why. I had seen that man before, I didn't know him, but why did she have a picture of him. Melancholy was replaced by anger. I wanted answers.

Racing back to her cell, stumbling slightly as my head was dizzy from the fall, I threw open the door and slumped to my knees in front of her.

"Where did you get this" I growled, my face inches from hers. No answer.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THIS" I yelled. Tears gathered in her eyes, she was scared but she didn't want to let on.

"Steve gave it to me" she said blatantly.

"Steve? Who is Steve?" Pulling the photo from grasp, turning it and slipping it back in my hand, her forefinger pointed the the top right corner on the back where the letters S.J.B and S.R were written in blue ink.

"Sergeant James Barnes and Steve Rogers"

"Steve Rogers" I repeated, absent-mindedly. I flipped the picture back over and stared at the man on the left...into my reflection. Almost. His hair was short, well groomed whilst mine was longer and messier. His face was more youthful, clean shaven. I dragged my hand along the bottom of my face feeling the bristly, stubborn hair. He looked...happy. That wasn't me. "I think" I began "this is someone else".

But it was my face. My lungs suddenly felt heavier in my ribcage and it became harder to breathe. I felt confused and that frustrated me. "Sergeant James Barnes" I whispered. Gentle fingers clasped my hand. [Y/N] was peering nervously up at me, her mouth twitching into a small smile which seemed encouraging. Hidden beyond the emptiness of her face, her [Y/E/C] eyes twinkled at me and I found myself smiling back.

"I don't understand any of this, but if I am who you say I am...why am I here". Her eyes fell to the ground and she frowned like she was battling with her own thoughts, then her head lifted up again and said

"Steve told me that during the war you were enlisted as Sergeant James Barnes of the 107th. You became a prisoner of HYDRA but Steve rescued you and hundreds of other soldiers...then you went back"

"We went back?!" I exclaimed, interrupting her.

"You destroyed HYDRA camps all over the country until there was only one left...you were so successful but..."

"But what"

"You were a real hero Bucky"

"But. What" I demanded. I saw the expression on her face change slightly to something beyond pity. Then it hit me...what she told me earlier. "You...you said I was meant to be dead" I mumbled.

"You fell from a train that was heading to the HYDRA headquarters. Steve tried to save you but he couldn't. Everyone thought you'd fallen to your death".

"Well I didn't ok" I snapped, and she jerked away in fright. Then a deathly scowl washed over her face, she picked herself up onto her feet, hands falling onto her curved hips.

"No Bucky Barnes did die that day. You" She thrusted a finger toward me. "...you are just the empty shell of his dead body...you are nothing...nothing but a coward. Now I'd like it if you left me alone, or can I not even have that luxury in the hellhole". Turning her back on me, she wrapped her arms around her self and stood in the corner facing the wall. I opened my mouth to speak except I wasn't able to string any words together so I just stood up, dropping the picture at my feet and left the cell, locking it behind me loitering for a moment staring downwards at [Y/N]'s shadow cast on the ground.

Walking away I felt guilty. Guilty that I couldn't remember who I was, guilty because for some reason she seemed to care about Bucky...about me.

Days and nights past as I sat, out of sight, just watching her. There was something about her. I always felt like I had to be near her. Like the closer I was to her, the closer I was to being a person. But then it was so much more than that. She was beautiful...a beauty hidden deep underneath her brave veneer that she had painted on like armour. It made me hate myself for what I was doing, just sitting there letting her be caged up. She was right. I was a coward.

A week had passed, I had just returned from a mission. I walked the same walk down the stairs, along the corridor till I halted next to my usual spot where I spent every evening and (when I could) every day. [Y/N] hadn't moved from where she had been this morning, knees tucked under her chin, one hand clutching her photograph, eyes fixed on it almost like she was in a trance. This is how she spent most days. Waking up, staring at the picture for hours on end before sleep took over. There was something haunting about the silence that filled the room, so I took a breath, building the courage to break it.

"What are you thinking about"

**Reader's POV**

I had been so caught up in my thoughts I hadn't noticed Bucky outside my cell so when he spoke I was startled. He was leant against the bars in a not-so-casual way, arms folded into each other, hair clouding his face. Looking back down at the photograph in front of me, a deep melancholy feeling burst through my veins.

"I never gave it back to him" I whispered, and my eyes filled with tears, my head fell into my knees and a low whine escaped my lungs.

"Steve seems to mean a lot to you" he said, and there's a hint of some jealousy in his voice that I merely picked up on. There was a long silence as I gathered my thoughts and spoke "I don't really remember how I met Steve. I just remember being lost for ages just wandering around on my own. Then he found me and I found him and we just sort of connected, yanno. Not in a romantic way but we'd both lost something and it seemed like when we were together it didn't hurt so much. Steve helped me find a home, somewhere where I belonged, with the avengers and I tried to help him not feel so lost anymore. We trust each other...alot. I guess there's always a part of me that is terrifed of losing him because he is all I have".

Silence fell again as my voice trailed away lost in a thought, a memory. The day Steve brought me to the Avengers tower. I was welcomed with arms, and over the years Clint and Natasha helped me learn how to fight like them. Although I was always left behind on missions, I didn't mind because I knew they cared and I knew I wasn't ready to join them...but I would be soon. All of sudden the memory was gone and I fell back into reality with a heavy sniffle. "Anyway I don't know why I'm telling you this. At least we are in the same boat here, I'm alone and you can't remember who you are" I added.

"But I know who I want to be".

"What??"

"[Y/N] I don't want to be this person anymore. The way you talk about Steve...and Bucky, your eyes light up. I want to be the sort of man that can make eyes light up...your eyes". He blushed and my stomach flipped in every direction making me dizzy. "I want to be Bucky and that's who I'm going to be".

"Bucky you've changed. They changed you. I don't think they will let you go back to being Bucky so easily"

"Then I'll fight and I'll win. Do y'know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I have something to fight for".

"Bucky you don't know what you are talking about" I sighed.

"Yes I do. You think because I'm not Bucky that I can't think...can't feel"

"I never said that" I whispered gently. I stepped forward and pressed my hand on his arm, surprising myself.

At that moment, I heard the footsteps of someone approaching and I pulled my hand quickly away, wrapping both arms around my body instead as I retreated to the back of my cell.

"Soldier" an agent approached the cell. Bucky didn't answer, his hands now clutching the bars, face pressed against them, eyes glued to mine. I raised my eyebrows and tilted my head somewhat pleadingly.

"Soldier you will respond to me" the agent said again, impatiently. Bucky sniffed aggressively as he clenched his teeth. In slow motion his head turned to his right. I saw his fists curl tighter till his knuckles were white.

"My...name...is...Bucky" The agent went white, his eyes growing wide, and he turned to call out but it was too late. Bucky's eyes clouded over with a darkness as he lashed out, knocking the agent to the ground, flesh hand holding him down by the neck whilst his metal hand pounded against the agents face. I screamed as blood spilled out everywhere. I begged him to stop but he couldn't hear me. This wasn't Bucky anymore. He couldn't be Bucky even if he tried.

As if a silent alarm was raised, a group of guards burst downstairs trying to detain Bucky. He punched and kicked around him successfully until one guard pulled out a stun gun and shot at him in the neck. I watched the electric pulse through his body and he fell to the floor. Two guards pulled his limp body away.

Then they came back for me. I kicked and thrashed as the guards hauled me up carrying me along the corridor to a large, brightly lit room, similar to the one I woke up in just a week ago. Except this one has a machine in it...a big one, with long wires and straps. Bucky, still unconscious, was strapped down, there was a mouthguard shoved carelessly in his mouth and my heart started racing. As I was tied to a chair opposite him, I called out helplessly.

"Bucky!! Don't hurt him, Don't you dare hu-" my mouth was gagged with a dirty cloth stopping me from talking.

"Today, you are going to learn what happens when you don't keep that pretty little mouth shut" Lenin smirked as he walked into the room. "When I wipe someones memory I intend for it to stayed wiped. Oh and I hope you appreciate the front row view" he added. Bucky began twitching as he woke then the twitching became a thrashing until his eyes met mine.There was a short silence, then Lenin signalled to an agent next to the machine. He pushed Bucky down, who tried to resist, not taking his eyes from me.

Then, with the push of a lever, the machine came to life. 

Bucky's screams filled the room drowning out my own muffled pleas. His whole body jerked as sparks flew around his head. I shut my eyes, so hard I thought they would start bleeding, but I couldn't shut out the screams. They rang through my ears, through my veins, my whole body shook with fear making me sick. The hissing sound of the machine came to a halt, the screams died down but I wasn't brave enough to open my eyes. A blow hit me on the side of my face, knocking my chair over and I found myself laying sideways my face stinging, my head engulfed in dizziness.

"Look at me" I heard a gritty German voice say. My body defeated me as I erupted with sick onto the floor in front of me. "I always get the weak ones" Lenin whispered in my ear. My eyes fluttered open and he was crouched down next to me. He ran a gloved finger along my neck and smiled down at the bruises. "He thought he was strong too, but he is so easily changed it's pathetic" he said, spitting out the last word in disgust. Then he stood up and turned back to the machine, my eyes floating up towards Bucky.

He was no longer strapped down, instead he was standing up next to the machine, he arms behind his back, chest puffed out like a soldier waiting for orders. They had done it...they had wiped him. Suddenly, I felt so empty and weak. Maybe I wasn't so strong anymore... "I hope you enjoyed the show" Lenin said "hopefully for you this will be the only viewing, if you know what's good for you...and him". He patted Bucky on the back which received no response.

Lenin waved his hand in the air which I presumed was a command as Bucky leapt into life, heaving me up from the ground, arms grasped tightly around mine. He carried me back to my cell in silence. I glanced longingly at his face, finding myself praying for a sign that he was still Bucky. This overwhelming feeling of sadness unnerved me, it was unexpected and unpleasant but it was real. Bucky had never been Bucky yet I felt compassion for this broken man now carrying me in his arms, unaware of who he was.

He shoved me into my cell, locking it behind me. Nodding to the agent behind him who then left us alone, Bucky stood on the opposite side of the corridor eyes glazed over facing straight forward. I leant against the cold rusty bars, closed my eyes and breathed out slowly, feeling drained of all emotion and power. Then there were footsteps and I felt something cold against my skin. Looking up, I saw Bucky's metal hand outstretched, his thumb grazing my cheek which seemed to be emitting pain as though it was radioactive. My heart began to race and I felt my eyes become cloudy with tears. I was too tired to say anything...but I knew it didn't need to be said. The coldness of his fingers felt nice against my skin and I leaned into his hand, smiling. For a moment his eyes were harsh and cold, open wide as though he was surprised about what he was doing, but eventually his eyes soften and a smile spread across his lips.

He remembered me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to follow my tumblr - mydearoldbuckybarnes.tumblr.com


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